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Rise of the Trueborns: Chapter 2

 

*******7th Avenue, Festac, Present day

    ”So Dahunsi, do you think hi should get ha breast henlargement?”
 Fadahunsi Dehinde Rotimi wakes up instantaneously. There are just some things that shouldn’t be heard in the morning. He opens his eyes slowly because the hang over was overhanging him. He looks up at the girl…..what was her name again?….Ronke? Tola? Jumoke? bisi?  who was on his bed in her birthday suit. He remembers that she had one of those weird generic yoruba names.

    ”I’m sorry, what were you saying?”
    ”Hi was thinking hof henlarging my breast. Many guys haf said it was too small and that hi need big bobbi to make guyz henjoy it.”
     Ok, it’s official thought FDR. I ain’t hung over. I’m still drunk as shit. That is the only explanation for me sleeping with this vowel assassinating chick who apparently must have been the study focus for Hilary Banks in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Aren’t those Double ‘D’s she’s packing? what does she wanna upgrade them to? Mammoth sized titties?

 FDR just smiles and smacks her ass.

    ”whatever you wanna do, do it” he says and tries to catch some more shut eye. The girl smiles and plops back back on the bed as well and says ”Hokay”. FDR wakes up again. Goodbye sweet sleep. Why do people like this exist he muses as he gets up and walks to the hotel bathroom butt naked. 

      He splashes water on his face from the running tap in the sink and clear away the last vestiges of sleep left in s system. He stares at himself for a few minutes trying to remember the events that culmunated into bringing that girl to his friend’s house. Must have been the way she kept grinding him in the club like her life depended on it. Tosin!! Yes….that was her name. ‘Oh yeah I remember’ FDR muses. As the thoughts came flooding his mind, life began flowing…..elsewhere.

    ”Oga o……oti o da rara” He mutters to himself. As he is about to enter the tub to take an obviously needed cold shower, he hears the sounds of Ice Prince’s ”Aboki” coming from the room. Last time he checked, that was his ringtone. While he’s still contemplating whether to check or not, the music stops. a minute later, after he had turned on the shower, Tosin walks into the bathroom with his phone in her hands.

    ”Dahunsi, someone said he wants to talk to you”

    ”who is it?”

    ”hade”

  It takes FDR 15 seconds for him to process that information. ”Give me the phone” he replies. As she hands him the phone, she asks ”Want me to join you?” As much as boning her in the shower appealed to FDR’s body, he had to decline. ”No, i have to be somewhere soon. Get dressed so i can drop you off.” ”Hokay” she says and saunters out of the bathroom. FDR smiles to himself and places the phone to his ear.

    ”Ade, how far?”
    ”Ore, ti e ba o. That girl just set for face oh. no be ‘going out’ material rara. Hokay?? Mo gbe!!. Hope say the kpanshing was worth it”

    ” Dake jare. Na so me see am this morning. where you dey?”

    ”Omo, i go organize chow things, na so i wind up for Emeka house. come jare make we booze.”

    ”I’ll meet you up in an hour”

    ”Ko si were. The spare key dey my room for that drawer where i dey keep condom.”

    ”Na so. All na protection. Later.”

   He places his phone on the sink and proceeds to take his bath. After about 30 mins from showering to dressing, He and Tosin step out from the room and eventually out of the house.

***********************************************************************************************************************************************

    From across the road, there is a guy seated on a plastic chair in a kiosk who cautiously watches the couple driving out of the house. The subject drives out in a black Toyota Camry. As he moves out of the vicinity, the guy walks briskly to a tarp covered object under a tree while pulling out a phone from his pocket. He speaks to the phone. Be warned, this is not your average phone. The phone was the kind of gadget that would set the likes of Apple and Samsung into bankruptcy ,just trying to research how to make one.Aliens haven’t even discovered the technology yet.  

    ”What is the strongest network here” . The Phone whirrs briefly and responds.
    ”MTN and Etisalat. which would you like to connect to?”

    ”Both ” He replies and pulls the tarp off. Revealed is a state of the art motorcycle that is literally out of this time and age. 4 turbo boosters, with ultra modern engines, loaded with gizmos and gadgets that make Flash Gordon and Judge Dredd’s hovercraft look like a toy. Its the kind of bike sci fi movies are made of. As he jumps on the bike, a dialling tone rings twice and is then connected. A sombre emotionless voice speaks on the other end.

    ”Speak”

    ”Subject is seen exiting the building with a female. The same one he brought to the house last night. Both are currently headed to unknown location. Permission to engage in pursuit.”
    ”Permission granted. May the sword never depart from your hands Brother Shina”

    ”And from your hands, depart it will not”

  Ogunshina, A member of the Brotherhood of Steel, and high ranking assassin, revs his bike and tries to catch up with his target, FDR.

**************************************************************************************************************************************************

    FDR drives on to meet up with his pals after dropping off the vowel slaying Tosin. How Ade wound up from getting food around Festac and then ending up in Emeka’s crib in Anthony Village was beyond him. Given the fact that it was on the way to his home, he decided to indulge. As he cruises down Town Planning way, he slots in the CD Ade gave him last night. The first strings of ”Raindrops” by Preachaz Son came waffing through the speakers.

    ’Wow’ mused FDR. ‘Ade was right. this guy isn’t half bad. Maybe he can get me more of his tracks’

  As he bobs his head along with the music, he begins to try and formulate a reasonable story to tell his mom as to why he not only didn’t come home last night, but also not calling to tell her about it. He drives into Mobil Filling station to top up on petrol before getting to Emeka’s place. As the tank is being filled up, he leans on the car while still engaged in ”Iro-Synthesis”.

‘Getting laid wasn’t a viable excuse’ he thought while looking towards the Mr Biggs outlet. ‘if he told her that, she would make him…..’

A figure lands on the roof from nowhere.

FDR literally shakes his head like in cartoons because it was kind of a strange site. He looks again but only sees a receeding shadow. But it was definitely someone. or something.

    ”sorry bros, but are they doing any construction over here”

The pump attendant looks at him funny

    ”Construction as how sir?”

    ”i thought i saw someone on top of the roof there”

The attendant slowly smiles

    ”Bros eh, e be like say your shayo never comot your body”

‘Maybe it hasn’t’ FDR thinks as he smiles at the attendant and slides him a 500 Naira note after paying for the fuel. He looks towards the roof again as he gets in his car, but sees nothing again. Some chicks come out of the Mr Biggs restaurant giggling carrying bags of goodies. FDR smiles at them and waves. They wave back smiling. ‘Still got it” he says to himself as he starts the car and drives out of the station.

***************************************************************************************************************************************************

Someone peers over the roof of Mr Biggs and studies the Black Camry driving out of the station. Particularly the occupant. The way he was checking out the girls and vice-versa was noticed. After about 2 minutes, the ankara clad ninja jumps off the roof, takes a slow run to the field by the side and hops into a Black Land Rover. On the passengers seat is an open file with surveillance pictures of FDR with what seemed like a dossier similar to the type that CIA compiled on their targets. The individual starts the car, literally leaps unto the road, climbs the bridge and heads in the direction the Camry took……In pursuit of FDR.

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************

    ”Nigga where you dey since? abi that girl hold you down again?”

Ade, Emeka and two other guys FDR didn’t recognise laugh loud and hard at the statement. FDR just shakes his head. Ade and Emeka have always been the twin devils trying to gt him to do unspeakable things. Just when he seems to be getting some control over their influence, they get him drunk. He wasn’t complaining. Life just gets complicated while hanging out with these two.

    ”Just took my time” he says. ”Ade, i blame you for last night. if you didn’t start filling my glass like some personal butler, i might have noticed something was off with her speech.”

    ”Well, at least you got laid. with all my game, nothing for me”

    ”Well don’t you see? that’s just the problem”

    ”What?”

    ”You have no game”

A raucous laughter engulfs them all as FDR sits. As he is about to take a drink, something weird suddenly happened. He suddenly felt like leaving. Like going home. ‘what’s with the sudden desire?’ he muses. He shakes it off mentally and walks to the kitchen. Emeka watches him with slits that can only come from weed intoxication. You know…..the good stuff.

    ”Wetin you dey find for there?”

    ”I have to chow. where the food Ade buy?”

    ”Omo men, food done finish, come drink something make you belleful.”

     Alcohol on an empty stomach? Not today. FDR enters the kitchen notwithstanding to see if there’s anything to salvage. With the growls his tummy was making, he realizes that he didnt have any thing to eat since yesterday afternoon. Ade has been hell bent on peforating his liver. The feeling of wanting to leave creeps in again. Maybe he better go. The rate at which these guys are going, they might keep him another night. He walks back to the living as Ade is filling a glass tumbler with what looked like cognac. It was kind of darker than cognac but smelt the same.

    ”Guys, i think i’m gonna head out now. Momsie go don dey vex.”

    ”Come on now” Ade says, ”How you go fashi boys like that?”

    ”I’m hungry, kinda tired, and i have a story to create for momsie. the faster i face the music, the better”

    ”No yawa, at least have one drink before you go”

    ”Naah. I can’t drink that on an empty stomach”

    ”Come on…..just a drink. I promise”

  FDR takes the drink from Ade and stares at him. The overwhelming feeling comes again. Oh well….The faster he drinks tis, the faster he can get out of here. And just maybe his bearings will settle down. Bottoms up then. As he raises the glass to his lips, the door explodes. Everyone ducks. FDR is momentarily deaf. Great….just great. Boko Haram has come to pay a visit. Maybe this was why that feeling of leaving kept creeping on him. As the smoke disperses and his hearing balances out, he hears the crunching of glass and wood by boots. He looks up to see a guy dressed like Blade complete with glasses and arsenals of weapons.

Ogunshina looks at FDR on the floor as well as his friends. He pulls out his gun, a 9mm Beretta, and fires.

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Posted by on February 28, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

(Premiere!!) Rise of the Trueborns: Chapter 1

There are two realms known to man. They are AYE and ORUN. The physical and spiritual realm. Once in a while, these two realms congregate in the same space thereby generating certain powerful energies. Certain individuals have the ability to tap into these energies. Sort of like sentient heroes. They are called the Trueborns. Masters of the spiritual elements. Pure descendants of the Oduduwa bloodline. They are warriors of skill and dexterity.The story I’m about to tell you is of how i came to have the best summer of my life with 4 Trueborns.

********************************************************************************************************

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*Somewhere in Orun Apadi, 3 years ago

It was a dark place. darkness……. a creepy kind of darkness. a darkness that seems to peel off every iota of positivity from you. No matter how much you try to shake it off, it seems to reinforce it’s resolve the more. It was agonizing. It was depressing. It was hell. This was where the unaccomplished and bearers of questionable character reside. Orun Apadi. Spiritual realm of the damned.

Every evil thing that you’ve heard of….it came from here. Mama one breast…..papa two prick…….the sugar man…..the dark man…….bush baby. You name it. they are all here. The bad, the terrible and the downright devastating.

The atmosphere here is always daunting. souls being compartmentalized into various sections like cattle. Those doomed to reminisce for the rest of their lies…..those who were scheduled for reincarnation……those who were billed to serve the Orishas of this realm. Various creatures roam around performing one duty or the other. In the midst of all this was a large castle. I guess this was where dracula got his specifications for Transylvannia. Saying it dispelled an eeire feeling was Guiness Book of Record qualifiably, the understatement of the millenia.

A figure approaches the the castle. people stumble away from him. this was not based only on an act of fear or respect. the forcefield surrounding him repels everyone within 10 feet of him. This was not a form of security for himself. Au Contraire. This was security for others. Don’t be fooled by his custom made ”Iro”..one touch from him could fill you with the vilest of diseases. With hiked shoulders and a stony resolve, Lord Saponna, One of the High lords of Orun Apadi, stepped into the castle.

Skulls, bats and wraiths lined the inner entrance of the castle. A group of pale people are huddled together feeding on a corpse. Yes, you guessed right. This is where ugly vampires are deported to. as various beings kept bowing and cowering in his presence, he solemly walks to the high doors that lead to the throne room. Like everything in this place, it was dark yet had an illuminating glow about it. despite it’s depression feng sui, it had this feeling it put on you that royalty resides here. one major description must not be forgotten about this place. It’s. As. Big. As. Fuck.     

             A figure sits on a throne. Yes lets call it a throne for terminology’s sake. It’s a throne like no other. It was similar to the Targaryan Iron Throne, only that this was made from a hard graphite looking material that was harder than iron. It was obsidian black, glossy and smooth with objects like skulls, various types of bones and jewels sticking out of odd places. It was like a group of royally dressed people hugged each other tightly on a stone and set themselves on fire. An endless flow of blood was oozing from the orifices on the throne yet they don’t seem to drench or stain the figure.

I guess this is what the white man would call contemporary art.
    
    ”I take it i’m punctual?” asks Saponna. The figure tilts his head sideways , starring at him, almost like a comic gesture.

    ” If that were so, wouldn’t we be three and not two?”
    ”i guess so” Saponna replies and sits at a supporting chair beside the throne. He may be a high lord but it goes without saying that he was in the presence of his boss.

            The figure stirred when he heard approaching footsteps. The chamber doors open and a heavily built man in a short red wrapper that looks more like a very small towel walks in. If Micheal Duncan Clarke and Terry Crews had a baby together, it would look ike this guy. The expression..”built like an ox” fits this guy snuggly due to the fact that he actually had horns as well. He was intimidating. As he approches the throne, he kneels before the figure

    ”My Liege! your guest has finally arrived”

            The figure nods silently once and the ox-man retreats through the chamber doors. The figure stands up in anticipation of his guest. The figure is 7 feet tall precisely with 8 packs and a skin tone of a Ghanaian/Hausa hybrid black. This dude could stain charcoal. Yet in his complexion, he is hauntingly beautiful. Well chiseled features, muscles in the right proportion, hazel brown eyes, jet black hair, feet of a footballer and buns of steel. He was dressed in a short wrapper like the ox-man except his was pure black. A cowrie choker necklace adorned his neck as well as cowrie bands on his wrists and ankles. He was barefooted. Despite his ensemble, he wasn’t gay. You couldn’t find a straighter orisha.

 This guy will make Adonis weep. At least, he makes every mother weep whenever they call his name needlessly for things he doesn’t even know about. He is the trickster turned custodian of all that is evil and fucked up. His name was Esu

           The chamber doors open again and in steps a regal entity. He was dressed in black robes made of the highest quality arabic silk. He had kohl lining his eyelids and brow. his hair, which was past shoulder length, was adorned with beads and jewels of various sorts. He had the most manicured nails you would ever see. He approaches the figure on the throne and they stare each other down. After a few seconds, Esu speaks.

    ”You look like a gay priest. I’m sure Persephone won’t approve”
    
    ”Oh don’t mind my garment, i was visiting Orisis for his birthday. He’s pissed you didn’t come by the way”

    ”He should hug the nearest transformer”

    ”Now, now…you know that just makes him horny”

They burst out laughing and hug each other.
    
”It’s good to see you Hades”

    ”Likewise Esu”
   Hades turns and sees Saponna. ”My contagious friend….how has fate been treating you?” Saponna smiles at Hades and replies.
    ”The fates are a bunch of twisted hags who have caused me to be bisexual”

Hades and Esu whip their head so fast to Saponna’s direction with shock on their faces. It is Esu who braves the question. ”Awe, exactly how did the fates make you bisexual?”

Saponna smirks and says..” because i have sex…..by myself”

All three burst into raucous laughter. Saponna seemed to be getting more humorous everyday. That used to be Esu’s nature……till that event occured.

Esu turns towards hades:

    ”do me a favor, remove this attire before you make my eyes fall off”

Hades smiles and snaps his fingers. Instantly, he is dressed in a black bikers costume. black shirt and jeans with leather jacket and boots as well as spiked collar. On the shirt is written ”Go Tartarus!”.
    ”Thats more like it.” said Esu. ”come, lets sit and discuss”

Esu snaps his fingers and a table rises out of the floor accompanied with three chairs, a calabash of palm wine, cups, meats of different assortment and a shisha lamp. ”Wow, you pulled out all the stops Esu. this must be serious”

    ”It is, my friends. come. sit. ”

As they sit, a lady appears suddenly and begins to pour out the palm wine for them into cups and starts a fire for the shisha. they fill their time with idle chit chat as the lady dispenses her duties. When she sees everything is in order, she turns to esu and says
    ” Will that be all my liege?”

Esu turns to hades and says….
    ”will you like her to pleasure you?”

Hades chokes on his bokoto and looks at him..
    ” For real?”

    ”of course. no pleasure is denied in my home.”

    ”well as tempting as the offer is, persephone seems to know when i’m shagging another girl so unless you want tartarus unleashed here, i’ll keep my pants on.”
    
    ”What about you Saponna?”
    ”she might be a wraith my lord, but she will still get cancer of the down under. My ‘konji’ is that potent”

    ”very well” said Esu. he turns to the lady and dismisses her. she disappears in a puff of smoke.

Hades suddenly turns to esu.
    ”Your message was very strange my friend. what did you mean by it is time?”

Esu puffs the shisha steadily like a man sorely lacking in vascular resistance. he slowly begins to release the trapped smoke whilst he stares at the ceiling. Once he’s done, he looks at his friend of thousands of years.
    ”I want to play a game.”

Hades pauses in mid sip and looks up while Saponna chokes on his shaki. Their eyes were glazed with excitement.
    ”a game?…do you mean….THE Game??”

    ”Yes friends, i want to play THE GAME……And this time……i want to play both sides”

 
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Posted by on February 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

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Aside

Apologies for the silence and drought of posts. so many things have been going on in my life and I’m just stabilizing. I’ve been working on a fiction series for some time and woild be unleashing it soon. Stay tuned peeps!

Sorry for the absence

 
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Posted by on February 8, 2013 in Uncategorized

 

Medusa’s Apprentice: Episode 1 (In Head We Trust?)

‘’Oh my God……oh……………..my…….gooooooooooood!!!’’ cried out Bayo. Some people might have over heard him and thought he was in danger or most likely he had seen an horrific sight. The truth of the matter was that Bayo was in the throes of passion of pleasure. One who has a keen sense of hearing might hear those distinct gasps that only come from a man been straddled by a female and smile.
However, what no sound or sense of perception could tell anybody was that this female was the very combination of passion, pleasure, danger and horror. For starters, that was his girlfriend straddling him, it was a girl he met during a campus tour at UNILAG for his company that specializes in new innovations in mobile internet data that claims to hold more promising services than any Blackberry phone would. Despite his having a faithful girlfriend for the past 3 years, he couldn’t help himself when he saw her. Who could blame him? She wasn’t just easy on the eyes, she was a show stopper. 5 foot 8. 38-18-40, stunning face that could have proved to be Photoshop in reality and the most luscious of lips. She was definite knock out. After the usual chit chat, he proposed they hang out at a club he frequents. After a few drinks and some hours on the dance floor, she seductively whispered into his ear, ‘’I have a hotel room’’. Without so much as an after thought, he carted her away to the hotel. As soon as they got into the room, she promptly pushed him to the door, unbuckled his belt in a military manner, pulled down trouser and boxers at the same time and promptly gave him one of the most nerve racking blow jobs the universe has ever seen. His vocal cords were rendered numb for the exhilarating 6 minutes. When he regained ‘’consciousness’’, he asked her how she learned to do that. This was replied with a slap, a kiss and 3 joyous rounds of ‘’duvet Olympics’’. He slept like a baby afterwards. By the time he woke up, she was gone. As he is face rumbled in dismay, he saw a note that said,

‘’had fun with you. Love to do it again. Call me if you wanna be solid’’

and she wrote her number. His heart soared at this and saved her number instantly. This became a weekly escapade for the next 6 months. A girl who comes over, No chit chat, no drinks, no outing, no shopping and no money. Just hours, and hours of energetic sex. What more could a guy ask for? Just as he was enjoying another round of her world class blowjobs, his phone rang. He didn’t bother looking up…….but she did. Looking at the caller id, she smile ruefully and said… ’’It’s your future wife’’. Since it looked like she wasn’t going to continue, he mumbled something about interferences and answered the phone. I’m going to get a drink, she mouthed out. As she left the room, he talked into the phone.

‘’what is it honey?’’

‘’Bayo, my ATM card doesn’t seem to be working. The machine keeps telling me I have insufficient funds.’’

‘’that’s not possible’’ he said. ‘’I still deposited that N350, 000 this morning. How could it have been emptied? ’’

‘’I don’t know but I’m I dire need of cash right now. Please try and talk to Mahmud and see if this can be rectified immediately’’

Rubbing his face, he said ‘’all right. Talk to you soon’’ Ending the call, he wondered how this could have been possible. Just a glitch, he thought while dialing the bank manager’s number.

‘’Hello Bayo. Yayade? ‘’

‘’fine I guess. Except I’m not sure. I deposited some money in my account this morning and your ATMs are telling my girlfriend that there are no funds. Even before my deposit, I still had over N4 million in that account.’’

‘’ Really? Let me check’’ After some seconds and a few taps of the keyboard….

‘’Bayo, records show here that you withdrew all the money. In fact, the deposit you made this morning has been cleared out like 10 minutes ago’’

‘’WHAT?? HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?’’ ‘’It was an online transaction. You made several deposits to an account in the same bank.’’

‘’whose? ’’

‘’well……..this seems weird. You deposited money in the account of…………..Nnamdi Azikwe!’’ Bayo was beyond confused and baffled. He dropped his phone while he pondered how this was possible? Who the hell is Nnamdi Azikwe? It dawned on him that he was a victim of fraudsters. He has to find the root of this matter. This girl would have to wait. By the way, where was she?? He dressed up and went to the reception of the hotel.

‘’Where is the girl I came with?’’

‘’Sir, she left some minutes ago’’

‘’Where to? ’’

‘’I do not know sir’’ It finally dawned on him what just happened. His heart missed a beat as he didn’t want to admit it to be possible. He went to her hall and asked where her room was. The porter promptly told him that no such person lives in that hall. He was furious. He went to the police station to report the incident. 30 minutes later, they were at the administrative block. After explaining to the registrar, they checked the school records. There was no such person in the school by that name. With a downcast mind, he drove home slowly. When he got inside, he saw his wife at the table.

‘’darling, there seems to be some issues with the account. I will try and ……………darling, what’s wrong?’’ She just sat there. Stock faced and rigid, it was like she wasn’t even breathing. As he approached the table, he saw pictures scattered on the table.

Pictures of the girl.

Pictures of the girl……….with him.

Pictures of the girl with him in the most explicit sexual positions.

Mouth gaping, he saw his world crumbling before his eyes. She looked into his eyes and asked him simply.

‘’are these forgeries or did this happen?’’

‘’darling……i..i….i can explain……….’’

At this, she went to their room. 5 minutes later, she was dragging her bags out and made a move for the door. He blocked her instantly saying……

’’please honey, I didn’t mean to do it. The devil used me. We will go for deliverance tomorrow. Please don’t go. God is in control’’. At this, she dropped her bags and delivered 2 Olympic styled slaps…..then proceeded to head butt him. Stunned…….and a little scared, he just laid there on the ground. She picked her bags and went to her car. in 3 minutes, she was in her car and driving out of his house.

Driving out of his life.

Shell shocked and confused, he kept crying out why this had to happen to him. His phone rang. He looked at the caller id and practically screamed. It was the girl. Why didn’t he think of calling her before? He picked it up.

‘’I just have 1 question for you. Why did you have to do this to me? Why? I thought we were just having fun. Why did you have to ruin my life?’’ After seconds of silence, she spoke :

’’Because its fun’’.

And she ended the call. He tried back again. The line was switched off. He tried pinging her……nothing happened. He was completely and utterly devastated.

Many miles away from Bayo’s predicament, she breaks the SIM card and takes a hammer to the Blackberry phone. Satisfied with its destruction, she hands over N20, 000 in cash to the guy who took the pictures and sent them to his wife. After he left, she smiled at her accomplishment. Half Belarusian, half Nigerian. She was equally lovely and lethal.

‘’I see you made great strides my dear’’

Turning, she gazed upon her teacher and mentor. A dastardly beautiful older woman. With hair hooks that looked like snakes. And a fashion sense that was beyond Milan itself. The woman was simply known to her as The Aunty.

‘’I’m glad you are pleased’’ The Aunty stood up and walked up to the girl and began caressing her hair. ‘’You’ve passed your test. Now we begin your full training, Kemi Zmir’’

P.S. :If you wanna see this series continue in 2012, lets get 30 good comments before Jan 1st. ———Heb Cwyr

 
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Posted by on December 31, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Blackberry Babes………… (Fact or Fiction)

Being a Nigerian has its perks. You are allowed to be a critic without any discernible qualifications. Probably its because of the arrogance…….(don’t start looking shocked,you know you can be arrogant at times)….or could it be our ever evolving taste? Eventually we will find out before Hell finally freezes over………… Anyways,i digress. It is without a doubt that majority of Nigerians have indulged in watching the flick, ‘Blackberry Babes’, as well as its subsequent sequel titled ‘Return of the Blackberry Babes’. For 9 years plus, I have not watched a single Nollywood flick till the arrival of BBB. I say this without an ounce of regret. When watching a movie,i have evolved from just sitting back and having a good view………… My joy comes from every angle. From production to editing and cast selection…..down to the very soundtrack interface. Nollywood however, is sorely lacking in this department. Its like a frigid woman. No matter how much you caress it………you just can’t get an orgasm. However,when I watched the trailer(or something of the sort),i had no choice but to be intrigued by the hilarity of ‘Apollonia’ and the endowed nature of Keisha’s rear. In a matter of days,one of my faithful followers on Twitter sent me a link and I began viewing. (since I am in Ukraine,i had no time for popcorn………… I settled for ‘Simechkiy’) . After watching both parts of BBB………… I laughed. I laughed so hard,that I feared an aneurysm was en route. What in the highest of fuck was this? There were so many things wrong with it.
-massive grammatical blunders
-exaggerations
-misinformation
-tasteless sex scenes
-‘over phonerization’
………………………….. Amongst other things.
I still had a good laugh though,but I was appalled by the production. The plot actually had promise,but I was wondering why it would end when I was just getting a hang of the story line. If I had known, I would have kept my thoughts to myself.

Return of the Blackberry Babes was nothing more than the return of nonsense. That movie just proved that sequel formation in Nollywood is messed up. The metamorphosis of the storyline was bumpy,tasteless and downright tautological. However,let us digress a bit…..in as much that i am appalled by the production of the film, it is the state of mind of the viewers that give me pause. Its as if their idea of a good movie involves the collation of overacting and under-production. Needless to say……not only should the producers of such flicks be admonished…..the viewers should be cautioned as well. How can you watch such a movie and call it ‘amazing’ or ‘making sense’? I see such comments and i ask myself….”did we watch the same thing?”….

However,in conclusion, as much as i find the whole production of Blackberry Babes,i believe some of the cast require a standing Ovation. Especially the leading starlets ;Oge Okoye(Damisa) and Tonto Dike(Vivian). They made me hate their guts and that is an accomplishment for an actor/actress. I pointed out the issue of exaggeration in the movie,but come to think of it….is it that far from the truth? Don’t ladies, and a lot of guys as well, use the ownership of a Blackberry Phone as some sort of social status standing? In reality,i have met a lot of girls who have behaved even worse than Damisa……so the movie gets points for ”eye opening”. However………the worst thing Nollywood can hit me with now would be another movie titled ”Blackberry Boys” or something even more appalling like ”Blackberry Babes vs Blackberry Boys”. Nollywood………….please next time you do a crappy movie……don’t write ”To God be the Glory”…..Jehovah will vex for you.

P.S. What in the world is the soundtrack department doing?
…………………..Heb Cwyr

 
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Posted by on June 17, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Tips on becoming a Twitter Celebrity.

Ok…….now we all know that Twitter is no longer a social network……its way bigger than that. (Well……..at least for some people). Twitter is a platform dedicated to various tasks

-Decompressing your mind
-Information circulation
-Media propagation
-Connection
-sometimes, basically making a fool of yourself…………….amongst other stuffs.
Well nowadays, it’s evolved to a much intricate level that borders on the verge of insanity. The crazy thing about it is that, people have become way too concerned with their high ranking status on the site. Such people who actually attain such statuses are dubbed ‘’Twitter celebs’’. Now, don’t get me wrong……there is nothing wrong being a twitter celeb; it’s the lengths at which people go to attain it that baffle me. Some attain their status by good means….some attain it by crazy ones. All is dependent on how you see it. Being a twitter celeb isn’t that difficult. There are some steps that you can take…. (If you are that desperate for it), that would definitely guarantee you tons of followers and a lot of traffic on your TL.
1) Be a real life celebrity- Actors, singers, models, socialites…etc, never have to worry about being twitter celebs…….whether they like it or not, it is bound to happen.
2) Have a genuine cause- people who tweet on a singular topic on a constant basis. Sometimes, their handles are practical definitions of what they tweet about.
3) Talk trashy- a lot of peeps are good at saying some of the nastiest things online. Usually, people are attracted to such. Either it is due to momentary shock or pure entertainment, they keep following.
4) Be hilarious- Everybody loves a good laugh. Constantly supplying a good string of humor filled lines would guarantee you a high status.
5) Create a kick ass TT- usually; anybody from the above mentioned categories can also do that. TTs always create a string of discussion all the time.
6) Be a hot girl- Hot babes will always get followed………..Konji state of mind dictates so.
7) Fuck Odinabarbie with picture/video proof- Lets face it……anyone who can actually prove he banged the infamous Twitter slut will have major reps. both on and off twitter.
8) Tweet fights- initiate tweet fights with some of the most popular names on twitter and you will definitely get noticed.
9) Achieve the impossible- twitter has always been an area for new things. Try and do something no one has thought of and you are on our way to becoming Twitter’s Next Top Celebrity.
By the time you have finished reading this, you might ask yourself if I am a Twitter Celeb and if I have tried any of this. Well, first of all….. I am not one. (Although it won’t be a bad idea.) Secondly……I am an observer. Just stating the obvious tips……I don’t have to experience them. So if you are into that stuff, you might as well get it popping.
After all, Twitter is free……………Heb Cwyr™

 
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Posted by on June 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Luluwords

 
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Posted by on June 5, 2011 in Uncategorized